Hi, everyone!!! My name is Hammered Hamlin, and I’m super excited to meet you all! I love reading books, taking long walks on the Lakefill, and telling my friends about my life. One of my absolute favorite things to talk about is — can you keep a secret? — my crush, Smart Dillo. Something about them is special, you know? They’re so caring and sweet, and whenever I see them around campus, they’re always helping people out. It doesn’t hurt that they’re really cute too.
The only thing is, I’m really shy. You may not believe me, but it’s true! Only around Smart Dillo. For some reason, whenever they’re around, my hands get clammy, and my tongue gets all twisted up. My friends tease me about it, but it’s easy for them to judge when they all have partners already. I’ve third wheeled so much I’m basically a tricycle at this point.
Well, I wasn’t gonna let my relationship status (or lack of one) get in the way of enjoying the biggest event on campus. My friends and I were really excited to have a great Dillo Day, and I spent so long thinking about my outfit and everything! We went to this really awesome darty, and guess. Who. Was. There. That’s right, Smart Dillo! We didn’t really talk much at first, but that all changed once I — hehe, excuse the pun — got hammered.
It totally looked like they were checking me out, so I downed another shot and walked over. We were flirting for a bit, and it seemed like Smart Dillo was really into me! I would normally never do this, but I guess what they say about liquid courage is real, because I asked if they wanted to come home with me!
You don’t even know how upset I was when Smart Dillo said no. I felt like such an idiot, but then they said it wasn’t because they didn’t like me. They said I was clearly drunk, which, yeah, I guess those shots caught up to me, and that neither of us could give consent while intoxicated. So we got pizza instead and just chilled and talked. Isn’t that so sweet? I think I’ve fallen for Smart Dillo even more!
Now I know that I don’t have to be hammered (or even tipsy!) to score a date with my crush. No one can give consent when intoxicated, whether you’re asking or being asked. Take it from me, it’s just as much fun to grab some food and chat instead of doing something you might regret. We even have a second date planned now! Is it a date? We didn’t say it was a date, but I think it is… It’s a date, right?